Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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