One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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