no one should ever give us hovercrafts
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Randomize
