my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
