I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
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