got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
