I cannot find my penis.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
Randomize
