Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
i think i just naturally attract stoners
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
