if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
