just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Randomize
