omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
