Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
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