About tomorrow. if it dosent fit dont force it. Just pushit as far as you can and i'll wiggle the rest of the way
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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