her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
