I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
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