I swear she didn't look like that last week.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
