i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
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