What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
