a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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