I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Randomize
