My balls are so social today.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
