I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
