you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Randomize
