She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Then you guys just all showered together...?
Randomize
