Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Randomize
