Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
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