I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
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