My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
