oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
This couple is walking their pig around campus
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
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