Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
