apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize
