dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
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