I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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