that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
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