Just fell off a train. Bad.
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
that is very illegal...i love you.
Randomize
