Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
Randomize
