So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
