Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
