awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
