I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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