My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
where are my eyebrows?
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