please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
