dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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