Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Help me help you realize you are a moron
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
