1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
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