all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Randomize
