I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
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