did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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