i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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