it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
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