I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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