So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
