So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
