im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Randomize
