He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
We smell like vodka and hangover
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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