Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
Randomize
