i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Randomize
