Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
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