She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
