You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Randomize
