I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Randomize
